2010 and counting

I got lost for almost an entire year and now I have found myself!  Funny how that works.

I welcome 2009, even though it doesnt need my approval!

For the few people who read my blog, happy new year! It has been along time since I posted anything and feel a little guilty. I have struggled this last few months with some pretty deep emotional and spiritual issues. All made that much more difficult by the conflict in former church and My family choosing to leave it. I am hoping that 2009 will offer both a time to heal and a time to grow in my faith.
The kids are doing great and mom is well, for everyone who knows my wife she is being Sarah. I am blessed, outside of our Lord, they are my rock. I am still in the process of becoming a chaplain candidate for the Missouri National Guard. I have several decisions to make in this upcoming semester.

The Things I must Decide:
1. I can graduate in the spring of 2010 with one degree (M.Div or MACO)
2. Or I can graduate in the spring of 2011 with both (Both M.Div and MACO)
3. If I do the CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) residency it pushes everything back an additional year.
4. A couple of my professors think I should go on and get my PhD, in either pastoral care and counseling or in just counseling. They think I would be good at training future chaplains or people who care and counsel others.

They all sound simple, but in order to graduate with both or just one I have to schedule classes in an exact way. CPE will throw everything off! Also, with the Guard and active duty options I have to look at deployment immediately after graduation. Which is OK but then what do I do, especially if I am still in the Guard? Then if you throw in the whole getting a Doctorate, an actual PhD, not a D.Min, that's three years of classes and an additional two years to write a minimum of a hundred page desertion.
So, please pray for me! First for discernment of God's will and to bring my will into alignment with His. Secondly, what ever decision that I do end up making that my family and I can find peace with it.

Learning Through Pain

If you are in church long enough, especially in the ministry, you will hear horror stories about how we as believers treat each other. This was one of the biggest shocks that I think happened to me, the fact that we profess so much love,caring and grace for our fellow believers yet when things go bad, as they are prone to do then they will be the first to point fingers. Before Christ called me to Him, I truthfully didn't like people, most could not be trusted and the ones that I did took a very long time to earn that trust, most relationships where very superficial. Then Christ goes and saves me, makes me want to love my fellow man, something completely antithetical to me and at first I thought how am I going to do this?
I opened myself up to His word and studied, I tried to live out the "Love thy neighbor as thyself" even though at first I did not agree or understand. I expected non-believers to turn on me, show me there true selves but to be bitten by those who profess to care for me, really caused me heart pain. See, Christ changed my heart, he gave me one of flesh that really feels and with that can come pain, which I am completely not able to deal with on my own.
If you don't know me then I will tell you something about myself, I fall into the Reformed school of thought. I am a 4 point Calvinist, because I cannot find any true evidence for Limited Atonement, this is just some background to explain part of my outpouring. If you listen to most people who profess to be reformed and listen for any length of time, they will talk about Grace. Yet, I have found that many lose any sense of Grace or what Grace truthfully means. God's Grace is awesome, its what saved a sinner like me, yet many of my fellow reformed types miss it all together.
They have become bogged down in a Neo-Pharisaical Legalism, not showing Grace and Love but use the Bible as a hammer to beat people to conform to what they believe is right. They have lost or maybe just missed the section where Jesus (also through out the epistles) that we are to do all thing out of love. We get tied up with all of head knowledge without it ever touching our hearts, so we judge people with impossible standards and leave out any Love or Grace.
I was hurt very badly by those whom I loved the most here on earth. I believe that there is a reason for everything but that doesn't help with the pain. I have to switch churches, move my family to a new body of believers, hoping that it wont happen again. All the while I am trying to truly forgive those who have caused my family and myself this pain, so if you are reading this please pray not only for me but for those who have caused this.

How God changes His children

I have finally finished my first credit hour of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). This summer program changed my life. I spent upwards of 70 hours a week at the hospital, Saint Luke's in Kansas City. A lot of the time was split between Saint Luke's on the Plaza and Saint Luke's South, which anyone from Missouri or Kansas knows Johnson County. Each hospital had its own personality, of staff, patients and experiences.
God opened my eyes to what the effect of the Fall is and just how far we are away from our heavenly Father. How sin ravages our bodies, a lifetime of it effects everything, even how we die. How our pride and arrogance keep us separated from His glory and the amazing gift of Christ crucification but also the strength that the Holy Spirit can bestow. I have seen mankind's underbelly, people who have worked hard to be good and who become the targets of random violence just because of where they live. Hatred of Man for Man and how that is played out in our interactions with each other, beating, stabbings and abandonment. The ravages of drugs, alcohol, on the person and there families and finally death. Watching death and how it can be so utterly terrifying or can be such a sign of His Grace. Watching people deny God and die, I would realize that there suffering wasn't ending as they hope but was going to be eternal. Do you know how heart wrenching that can be, how you can plead with someone, praying that the Holy Spirit would come and dwell within them, asking if not begging them to except Christ. Only to watch them die, unrepentant and afraid?
God also showed me how love and compassion knows no race, age or gender. That He pours out His love to us and carries us through what should and can be the scariest things that ever happen to us. How many believers ministered to me, the Chaplain Intern, in his times of need. They where the ones sick, they where the ones in need of compassion, yet the Spirit moved them and gave them strength to minister to me and show me love. The love that comes from the fellowship of believers and how they can bring that to those in greatest need.
I ran out of my own strength about the 3rd week, God put me in my place. I got what is called "Compassion Fatigue", or as it may be better known as type of burn out. I cared to much, opened myself to others peoples emotions and suffering to much and tried to do it all on my own strength. I was taught how to rely not on myself but on God and the people He puts in my path. I will expand on all these topics, the people I met (no real names) and my current school semester, soon...

Having one of those DAY'S!

Everyone has one of these day but when your in the middle of it, wow, they can be bad. Prayer, you say! Well that would be great, if I could focus outside of myself for longer than 2 seconds. Turn to Jesus and seek Him, great if my anger would allow me to focus on Him. Your temper is just right below the surface and everything seems to make you mad, yuck! I am just having a no good, rotten, very bad day and I really don't know what to do? This is one for the sovereignty of God, because there is nothing I can do to fix it.

Jesus Lord,
I am angry and in a foul mood! Sinning openly with my angry heart and I need you. My heart is hard and wanting to explode out of my chest, I want to scream with the anger inside and let it out! I need your love to soften me, soften my heart. Take away this sin and make me whole. Wash away my sins to be a slave to your will and not the passions of my heart, Lord. I cannot do it, I need you Lord Christ Jesus! Amen

I guess I can pray, anyone who reads this pray for me to. As it gets later in the school year, tax time has come and being broke as the ten commandments, I start getting angrier and angrier. I have been trying to sale a car and that has become an incredible pain in my behind. I also get angry over my whining about being angry, so I can't win. There seems no relief, even the fact that I now that I should not have this anger in my heart, that its a sin. It makes me even more angry that I can't seem to turn it over to Christ Jesus, I can't do it. He has to do it for me, its the only way.
I do find myself clinging on to it though, maybe because I am afraid of what will fill the spot. This may sound weird and yes I have given myself over to our Lord and savior Jesus. Yes, I believe whole heartily, that He was crucified, took the sins of the world upon Him. Died on the cross, was buried and was raised from the dead three days later. Maybe later we can talk about who raised Jesus? If Jesus is part of the Holy Trinity, did He raise Himself or did God raise Him? Just a question that jumped into my head.
I am just afraid of my sin. I Love my Lord Jesus and feel awful that I am still just such a worthless sinner and that Jesus has to love me this way. That's probably the most amazing part that He not only has to but He want to love me. He loves me in a way that only He can and that's amazing. That's why my sin upsets me so. I want to be so much more for Him and I know that I can't do it.
He still loves me anyway, so I guess over time Jesus will use whats in my heart for His ends or He will change my heart for His ends!